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Family Secrets

I just got a box in the mail from my mom. It’s not what you’re thinking.

Mostly, it’s a bunch of old, somewhat broken, somewhat inscrutable Christmas tree ornaments. Or decorations, maybe? It’s hard to tell.

Are these bows? Bells? Cthulhus?

Why is my mom sending me old ornaments? I suspect it’s because I told her my two-year-old knocked down the Christmas tree over the weekend and broke everything.

So she’s replenishing our ornament supply with festive vaginas.

Tell me this isn’t a va-jay-jay

Anyway, beneath all the ornaments, I happened upon this…


Side note: Yes, this is a pen name. But McLeod is my mom’s maiden name, so I have some claim to it. 

What’s in the envelope, you ask?


That’s right.

It’s a printed Wikipedia article about Mary Anne MacLeod Trump… Donald Trump’s mother.

Who was a MacLeod.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be sobbing in the corner.

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