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Pumpkin Pie to Amaze Your Friends & Terrify Your Enemies

There’s a few things I can do. I can start a fire, pitch a tent, and cast a fly rod. I grade essays with the best of them (sadly, not always with gifs).

And I can write one hell of a magical Norse god gender swap sex scene, which you can read here.

But when it’s Thanksgiving – the best of all holidays, hands down – there’s really only one skill that matters.

The pie, baby.

Time to bake!

The pie is pumpkin, and from an actual pumpkin, thank you very much, none of that canned junk for cheaters. I’ve tweaked this recipe since I was 18 (which gives you some insight into the kind of ass-kickingly cool teenager I was) and by this point it truly is the pie to amaze your friends and terrify your enemies.


And now, my internet friends, I give it to you.

Use your powers wisely.

Step One: The Pumpkin

Don’t do canned pumpkin, my friends. Not this time.


Buy yourself a pie pumpkin (not a regular pumpkin – those taste terrible) and roast it at 350 for an hour or so, until you can stick a fork in it with no resistance.

It’ll look like this

Then scoop out the pumpkin and mash it up, or use a blender. You should have about 1.5 cups of pumpkin. Yummy!

Step Two: The Crust

Hell yeah you’re gonna make your own crust!

(Note: this recipe makes two crusts. You can use the second crust for cute little decorations, if you’re into that kind of thing…)

Combine 2.5 cups of flour, 1 tsp. salt and 1 Tbl. sugar in a food processor. (It helps a LOT if you have a food processor.)

Add two sticks of butter (16 Tbl.) cut into small cubes, and process until the butter is in pea-sized clumps.

Mix 3 Tbl. sour cream and 1/3 cup ice water, and add to the flour/butter mixture in the food processor. Add more water if it seems too dry – but go easy on the water, or your crust won’t be flaky.

And your crust NEEDS to be flaky, man. It’s Thanksgiving!

Yes, Loki will judge you if your pie crust isn’t flaky.

Step Three: The Pie

First, turn the oven to 300.

Then combine:

Your 1.5 cups of pumpkin, 1 cup sugar, .5 tsp. salt, 1.5 tsp. cinnamon, .5 tsp. ginger, .5 tsp cloves, .5 tsp. nutmeg, .5 tsp. allspice, 1 Tbl. maple syrup, 1.5 cups heavy cream, .5 cup milk, 2 eggs.

And whip it. Whip it good.

Actually, don’t whip it – I couldn’t resist my Devo moment. Just stir it till it’s smooth.

Here comes the crazy part. Put your pie crust in the oven empty. My crust always falls down the side of the pie plate when it cooks, so don’t freak out if that happens to you.

After you put your crust in the oven, put your pie filling in a saucepan and cook over low heat, stirring occasionally, for half an hour.

After both crust and filling have cooked for half an hour separately, it’s time to reunite those puppies and put it all together, in the oven, at 300, for another 30 minutes (or until the pie filling doesn’t move when you jiggle the pan).

Let it cool a bit before you dig it and (of course) serve with whipped cream!

Boilermakers optional

Happy Thanksgiving, virtual friends!

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